The pain we feel inside our souls or minds which are connected in complexity to millions of the unseen emotions, ideas and desires of our heart like vessels. This deep pain creates and becomes an inner conflict and a resistance to that which we are experiencing without ourselves ( on the outside). Internal pain or conflict is created when we resist those circumstances we experience outside of our soul, body and our minds. We may resist those situations or persons for many reasons; it could be confusion, anger, our unforgiveness and loss of faith. There are myriads of reasons that could create such a deep inner turmoil inside a soul that would cause it to become so conflicted it begins to lose its faith or eyes to see with. Our souls were created to have vision and feel to create and be that part of ourselves that paints our lives. Once one feels so conflicted within they find their soul’s vision has become darkened like a very dirty window it makes them feel lost or without any special reason. They long to see out but, alas! The harder they look the more conflict arises within. So what is one to do?
What is the world made of? Is it just particles, molecules, atoms and energy? Are we here and then gone? We could ask a million questions and still never be satisfied with the answers or no answers that may lay on the table before us. How do we understand all this? Many of us just want to be happy! Is that too much to ask for? Unfortunately happiness does not come from the world or anything that it may give to us. That is only a perception or an emotional feeling that passes again and again. To find true happiness is only capable if we are to find peace. How does one create peace within themselves? Some may find this not such a difficult task… while others who are confined to the prison of their inner conflicts cannot reach the climax of an idea of peace left to be only more miserable and confused.
We long for someone to love and to have someone love us back in such a way that we may feel whole. But in reality, this is not the truth. No one can make you whole. We are the only one who can create wholeness within each one of us. To depend on anything outside of our being to give us wholeness will only leave us disillusioned as to what wholeness and love is. Which leads me to ask…? Do we know what LOVE really is? Can we trust our own hearts to decipher this intense passion? Many times it is an emotion, an infatuation or even a comfortable arrangement of ideas. So many of us have found us ship wrecked on the rocks of love’s illusion. We are born to believe that love is someone who cares for us, hears our cry, protects us from the monsters, who feeds us when we are hungry and holds us when we want. We don’t think about will this person leave us or find someone else. We are not concerned how much we must do or not do to keep that person with us. So we are taught from the beginning that love is an unconditional feeling even though, we may learn there are rules or habits to life it does not affect love.
From the time we are born we begin to upload like a computer ideas, beliefs, thoughts and opinions which many are not even our own which after many years create who we are. But the questions of truth are …. Is this that we really are? Who we were created to be? Or is this just all the cookies and pages that have been uploaded from others websites… Have we built a website of who we are that doesn’t even look like us? Who do we look like to God? It is all about perspective how we see the world and everything around us. If I took you to a very tall building and I asked you to stand outside and asked you what you could see what would you say? Then if I walked you all around the building to each side? Then if I took you into the lobby? Or what about the 22nd floor looking out the window? Or just sitting in a chair? What if I took you to the top of that building what would you see? Every answer to these questions I have presented would be different because of our perspective but they would all pertain to the same building. If you were that building where are you? What do you see? I have spent years alone trying to release myself from all the uploads of life and I have experienced every human emotion I think one could but, who is the real me? I am the one who is alone, the one who understands that I have come into this world alone and I will leave alone. This is my path, my journey and the decisions I make affect my life the most either negatively or positively. I don’t belong to anyone… I must possess my own soul and heart or I will lose the reflection that is needed to see without and within myself clearly. I guess the fight is to find peace with this feeling of aloneness which at times I perceive as loneliness when I look at the illusion. How do I find my wholeness in my oneness? So many questions…. And yet still so many answers to find. Like a spiritual explorer I set out to find new land, new places to experience seeking the answers that my soul searches for because I know they are there. Don’t you wish we all had a light switch we could just switch over to peaceful oneness whenever we don’t want to feel the negative effects of life? I believe that our lives should have a purpose and not the purpose that was created by this world but the purpose we were born with. I think it is of great importance that we recognize this purpose, this calling of our soul. Otherwise we will always feel the conflict within. Many of us have found our purpose but have not accepted it because the windows of our souls are so dirty that we have no idea what is outside. So we carry on feeling like we are conflicted with that number one question of life “Why am I here?” I have found there is two things that concern me deeply one… Is when I die if I have that moment of time to reflect on my life that I should be left asking – why I was here? Or to feel regret for the things I should have done or said. These two things I have found to be incomprehensible.
Who are you? What is it that your soul reflects from this vast Universe that is alive and conducts itself accordingly, continually expanding? Every star has its purpose, every piece of sand and every bird in the sky or the beast of the field. Can we expand our minds to realize that to find oneness we must connect to everything? It would seem that the greatest truths are such contradictions. Even Jesus would say such contradictory comments an example would be when your poor your rich and when your rich your poor (obviously my version). How do we break the chains of these conflicts and fly and realize the magnificence of life as an ever moving and changing power like a mighty river of energy. Who would not want to jump into such a wonderful river? Yet it has been said by sages we are but a drop of water in a large ocean connected without an outline of ending or beginning.
This spiritual metamorphosis of mind, soul and body to be born into a world small and seemingly insignificant to find ourselves alone in the midst of millions to the point we are faced with such inner conflict that we struggle to break free from this loneliness. Oh just to be a caterpillar again? Humorous! Not understanding that this internal intense struggle within to what we have been surrounded with is that which creates the metamorphosis and brings forth the wings we attain to fly and see our world from a completely different perspective and experience this new life as the same soul but not as the same creature. It is time for many of us to make this transition of spiritual metamorphosis, haven’t you felt the internal struggle the intense conflict, the aloneness, loneliness at times? Realizing that this is not all there is and willing to delete the uploads and begin with the reflection that is left on the monitor of our souls. Angels wish to have wings as beautiful as ours…. They can see us and wonder why we are so blind to what they see. Confused in such a way not to understand why someone who God gave such amazingly beautiful wings each different like our very own fingerprints and we still slither along in our world. We must allow ourselves to play again, to think like children in some ways or we will never believe in butterfly wings. We were not created just to slither along and live our lives and create our world on such common earthy erosions of illusions. Are you feeling stuck? That aloneness that I speak of is it constant? Maybe it’s your time to wake up from what is “earthly” or “let go” of that cocoon of old ideas and beliefs to break free from it’s painful comfortability and see the ever expansive picture. Surprise the angels and spread those wings and fly ~~~~~~~~~~~ reach for new places spiritually. If you have ever noticed a butterfly flits along not even noticing if the breeze is blowing or not. Just exploring one place and then flitting to another. It your time to get out of the cocoon and fly! Reach outside yourself and soon you will find yourself rising above the conflicts. Fly butterfly…… fly!
Hello. It’s been almost a year since I posted on my blog. During this past year I have been through some major changes and losses. Two of those were the death of my brother from cancer last March and a very close friend in May. This past year has been a very deep learning experience for me and a long road. I am glad to be back here and I look forward to posting here again. Writing is a great outlet for me but, unfortunately this past year has not afforded me the time that I have needed to get alone with my thoughts on a level that I could actually put them down in words. So I am back let’s give it a whirl!
I have been on a quest, a journey, a spiritual expedition one might call it for some time now…. I cut the rope from the dock of all that I knew to be my belief system and trusted that God was bigger than the dock and stronger than a rope. God was (GOMU) God of my understanding because I had to confess that what I thought I knew about God was like an ant saying it understands quantum physics. It was more than a “leap of faith”; it was so much more and required blind trust. I guess one could summarize it as when a child who cannot swim who is standing at the edge of the pool and the parent says to the child “jump!”… And the child jumps towards the parent. The belief that God’s love and grace is greater to protect me and keep me from these winds of uncertainty is all that I could take with me. I think we are afraid to let go because we think if we let go we will end up in “hell” or some place of darkness and disillusion. It was a very difficult action to take but… I came to a place in my life where I knew that I could not go any further in the Spirit if I did not let go of the past and all that I knew to be faith as I knew it. The past did not just include the bad things but, the good as well. I know that is probably very hard for some to hear, believe me I wrestled with it like Jacob wrestled with the angel for more than just a night!
It has been a very intense and tumultuous journey but, I know now that I have made the right choice. I have come to the place where I moved into a different dimension with my faith and who I am. I have gazed into the cosmic mirrors of self-realization and where there was once no reflection – I now see. Being the person that I am today I guess you could say that my spirituality is like a diamond with many facets. With colors constantly changing as the light hits each one like dancing lights, fluidity is the movement and constancy is its life.
As you move forward on the journey into the unknown you realize that there are many who have gone before you and that you are not alone. This journey is a path that the further you travel on it, the less you can take with you. There has been so much baggage I have had to throw overboard. Unforgiveness, resentments, hatred, arrogance, ignorance, prejudice, fear, self-pity, pride, beliefs, systems, ideas, dreams, ego, habits and memories. I have had to even throw overboard some of those “bags” that I thought were filled with “good”, as well.
We are such creatures of habit that it is almost impossible for God to get us to let go of the side of the pool to learn to swim. We would rather hold on to the side for the rest of our lives because it “feels” safe than learn what we must do to “be” safe. I had to let “go” and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
Spirituality is a mediator and religion is a divider. I have realized that to grow and to move in this dimensional existence that I must maintain the mind of mediation. My faith is living, breathing and moving… I walk in it and it is in every breath that I breathe. I am not here to judge or be judged. I am not here to convert or be converted. I am here to connect and share, to give and respect all things in love and truth. Ghandi said “I like your Christ… but I don’t much like your Christians”, what a statement…. I am sure Ghandi could have said that about me at one time in my life. Religion is a state of mind and spirituality is a state of being. They are at such opposite ends of the spectrum. One is a big block of cement and the other is a river – the best analogy I can come up with. For so long I carried my faith like a heavy block of cement or marble… I carved out a beautiful sculpture with all I had experienced and learned. It was gorgeous! But boy was that “icon” hard to pull around! But at least I could show it off and it looked so beautiful! It is amazing to realize that it was the heaviest and first thing to be left at the dock when I left on my spiritual expedition!
Faith is now like a river of energy that I exist in and it exists in me. It is not an object, a medal, a reward or something that is inanimate. It is constantly fluid and moving it keeps me in the state of being. It is the place where there is clarity, focus, and balance. It is the place of purpose and peace, being in the moment. I think that has been one of the hardest things I have had to release my mind and focus it on is “THE MOMENT”. I have always lived my life “in the past” or “in the future” but… hardly ever “NOW”! That in itself is liberation to know that the past is gone and tomorrow never comes. To be here “NOW” realizing that if I relinquish myself to “NOW” that what I am called to do, my purpose will draw me and place me where I need to be at every moment. Living each moment as a Divine appointment!
God, the Universe and Creation have given us so many tools. There are so many spiritual abilities and senses that we are not utilizing that are available to us “NOW”. We are not here on this earth just so we can get through school to die and move on. We are here for a reason and we are in agreement with that call and purpose. Many of us feel “stuck” and frustrated because we are trying to move our mountains with spoons when there are 100 bulldozers parked right behind us or we may be pulling our beautifully carved sculptures behind us. This is the most amazing reality is that we are not utilizing all these wonderful tools that we have been given to help us help others and to answer the questions “who am I and Why am I here?” There is a question that people ask “Do you want to be happy or right?” usually that question is asked when people are quarreling! I guess the question today is “Do we want to live in a state of mind or a state of being?” These states are two totally different ways of existing right “NOW”.
There are three words that keep running through my mind… The first is “faith”, the second is “trust” and the last is “no guarantees… Okay that was two words! All religions teach us to have faith… faith in God, Jesus, Allah, Buddha and so on. We even make the effort to have faith in one another although usually and quite often faith in others is quickly understood as the “wild card”.
I have struggled with these three words continually in my life and always have found myself coming to a place where I have felt that they have failed me at a time when I thought for sure that they would pull me through. I am not saying that faith or trust have never carried me through some tough times in my life because that would be so far from the truth. I am expressing the times in my life when I absolutely thought that I was holding onto these ideas and thought I was “safe” and then found myself completely devastated.
What I have to come to understand, at least up to this point in my journey is that there are “no guarantees”… Wouldn’t it be terrific when something does not work out in our life for us we could take it back to God and say this is not working I would like my money back or an exchange please”. But, unfortunately that is not how life works.
One can be the master champion of faith and trust but this does not relieve anyone from having to endure trouble, heartache, pain and loss. In fact, when you study those who had great faith they endured more suffering than I would care to sign up for.
So what is the answer to this dilemma of having faith and trust but with no guarantees? What is the purpose of faith or trust if they do not at least have some reliability in this life that will help us when enduring trouble? Is it just the crutch that we use to get through a rough spot until it passes? Is just having a belief in a power (God) that is greater than us who sees everything and we believe that he is in control? What benefits do we derive from having such Nobel qualities?
I have known many mothers who had great faith in God that have lost children to sickness and accidents. Did their faith and trust not protect them from such terrible devastating circumstances? In the end we have to conclude that faith and trust do not guarantee us that we are going to escape the “bad” in this life.
I have faith and trust in God, the Universe and the Power of Creation… I have to come to realize that I must make choices that can affect my destiny in different ways bringing different results. My part in this drama of life is to seek conscious contact with a power greater than myself and to realize that I have been given gifts and talents that are to be used to create synergistic energy in this world that will facilitate the change that it was destined to bring about. My faith must be utilized and transformed into the idea that it is there not to just believe in a Person, or an Energy, but it is there to perform an action for the greater good . Faith without works is dead… Trust without commitment is useless…. The axiom is to come to the understanding and the process of taking those past experiences that made us question faith and trust and look at them through the microscope of self introspection.
No guarantee! Would you believe in God or a Power, Energy greater than yourself if you could not gain anything at all? Why do we say we “love” God? Have we really asked ourselves the “raw” faith and trust questions that need to be asked? Most of us believe in God because we don’t want to go to hell (fear)… to love someone because you are afraid of punishment… sounds like an abusive marriage. Some believe in a sacrifice of love that paid for their sins but, although this is a Nobel sacrifice the bottom line is that the sacrifice was made in order that we do not go to hell. Why do you believe in eternity? Why do you believe that there is a spiritual realm? Does believing in these ideas bring a valued benefit to your life?
We must come to the place where we build the bridge between the idea of faith and trust over the waters of understanding to the other side where we actually gain the benefits of why we have faith and trust and the purpose they are suppose to carry out in our lives. They are not to be worn as medals of accomplishment on our sashes of spirituality.
Can we take everything that we believe in and lay it out on the table and examine it thoroughly? After examination is it possible that if there was something (anything) that you realize could be questionable that you would put it aside and come to the conclusion that this must be re-evaluated. Re-evaluating my understanding of what I thought was true does not change the value of what is Truth. All it means is that I must start on journey, a spiritual quest of discovery to gain a new understanding without walls or limitations. I think it is extremely hard for us to really “Let go and let God”… in that phrase, I mean that we have been trained and indoctrinated to the point of a fearful existence. We actually believe that God, the Universe, or GOMU ( God Of My Understanding) would be slighted and actually get bent out of shape or worse yet, we would drift away from Him or It ( whichever the case maybe be) and we would be lost in the black hole of spiritual darkness only to plummet into the abyss of hell. I pose this question….
How primitive we are in our faith and trust of an all knowing, all powerful and Infinite Love that we actually believe that is what would or could happen to us for seeking the truth. Fear! This is the enemy that paralyzes us from moving out and expanding our spiritual connection to Truth. FEAR! Is the stumbling “mountain” not a small stumbling block that tells us we had better not change our ideas and beliefs because then we will be heretics? If I burned the Bible would that kill Jesus or Jehovah? The Bible is a book… not a religion. It is a guide… the “Word” that was in the beginning (Genesis 1:1) is not the word on a piece of paper that will disintegrate in time. There are so many of these false systems of belief that we hold onto for dear life that have kept us from moving forward.
I think it can summed up in these words, “ The joy is in the journey and if we are not on a journey of discovery then we are stagnate in a land of frustration and boredom” Having faith can be equated to being an inventor or a scientist of spirituality… there are always new discoveries that are not really “ new” just new to us because we were willing to look for them that can bring greater clarity and knowledge to our questions and understanding of what we now ask “Why?” which happens to be the most common question.
The first question is… “Are you willing to let go?”