Author Archives: cosmicaxiom

The Golden Knitting Needles

As I sat in the small room that was dimly lit with a simple candle I could see the soft figure of a mysterious looking old woman sitting in a rocking chair. Quietly she rocked back and forth methodically, in her old rocking chair, creaking with each move making the sound of the ” tic toc” of a clock. As I looked closer I could see a glimmer from a pair of gold knitting needles in her long bony aged hands. Those beautiful golden knitting needles in her long fingers were hypnotizing as she moved them to and fro, in and out as if she was a conductor weaving the beautiful colors that appeared to resonate and glow. As I looked at her I could see the lines on her face and she appeared otherworldly weaving those hypnotic needles like she was orchestrating life in between the lines of her threads that dangled to the old wooden floor.

I moved closer into the light of the flame and she smiled at me and motioned me to sit down next to her chair. I was touched by her graceful energy and soft eyes. Meticulously, she remained knitting, spinning the threads around her golden needles, rocking back and forth in her old chair against the floor. Captivated by the shimmer of the needles and the sound of the creaky rocking chair that would tic and toc back and forth reminded me of one those antique grandfather clocks.

I sat at her feet on the floor next to that enchanted chair and picked up the thread that was dangling to the floor and began to allow it to run through my fingers with each turn of her golden needles. Before long I felt as though I had entered into another time and I began to hear her sing an ancient song in a language I could not understand but, the lyrics reminded me of my memories.

Before I knew what I was doing I was caught up in her ancient chant I found myself unraveling the thread that was dangling from my hands. The more she spun her golden needles the more I found myself unraveling her threads of color.

As I continued in this enchanted moment I began to see the beautiful pattern she is knitting with each twist and turn. Faster and faster I began to unravel this beautiful glowing thread like a web of time as her chair continued with it’s tic-toc, tic- toc. She looks into my eyes and immediately I sense something stir within me and I am drawn to touch these beautiful golden knitting needles. As I reach out with my hand to touch one the old woman looks at me with a stern look and beckons me to pay attention to the thread I was holding and allowing to unravel all around me. She whispers softly to me and says, ” Look at the thread that you are holding in your hands”. I look down at the unraveled threads that surround me and she says, ” this thread you are holding in your hands are the precious moments of your life. Why is it that you are so distracted by the golden knitting needles? Look at the beautiful pattern that they are creating, this is what is important”.

Immediately , I am stunned how fast that the thread that was being pulled through my fingers had unraveled so much , little by little. Here I sit as time is being pulled through my fingers little by little, thread by thread as I was so mesmerized by the golden needles. Tic-toc, tic-toc, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day and before I realized it the thread around me starts to thin out.

The old woman looks at me endearingly, ” Don’t be distracted by all that glistens, pay attention to the threads of your life and this amazingly unique and beautifully masterful knitted pattern. Little by little, you can begin to see what seemed as though it was just a few lines of color here and there become a portrait of who you are. Look at your life and understand that this beautiful pattern is your life. Don’t be distracted by needles, they are just tools and although they are necessary they are not you. They are creating your story.”.

O’ How beautiful are the colors of my life, the stitches are each unique some places they are tight, some knotted and some places are loose. Yet, each one is perfectly placed in this tapestry of threads that create all that I am. For now, I will slow down and hold the thread between my fingers ever so carefully, I will listen to the beautiful ancient song being sung to my soul as I listen to the creaking chair that tics and tocs…. Yes, the golden knitting needles she holds are beautiful but, I am now mesmerized by what each stitch will bring, what color? I realize that as I watch I am apart of creating this gorgeous tapestry I call my life.


Lost and Found – Retrieving the Pieces of your Life

As time progresses in my life I have come to the conclusion that so many of us are trying to regather the pieces of our lives. To retrieve those moments and parts of our story that were lost, left behind and we let go of because of the emotion they held that maybe affected our lives negatively. We come to understand that our lives are very much like a puzzle and as we grow older we realize that to see the whole picture we must go back and retrieve those missing pieces to see our Divine purpose. Finding these pieces will give us a wealth of revelation of who we are and the clarity to move forward following our Divine purpose.

There is a time and place for everything in our lives, we go through times where it is time to ” let go “. It is part of the growth process we must learn to leave behind those things, people or emotions that will hinder our growth. We are not ready to accept or learn the lesson at that time so we ” Let go “, of the weight and wait until the optimum time of retrieval . This is not in anyway to be compared to treading or digging in our mind sifting through the muddy past leaving our emotional state cloudy and disturbed. Retrieval of our soul at the specific time is the answer we seek currently but, in the past we were not ready for it.

Everyone wants our lives to count, to matter and to make sense to us. Seeking to find answers to the unanswered questions. If we ” let go” or ” leave behind”, all those pieces we will be unable to see the beautiful picture of our lives in it’s wholeness. There are moments when “letting go”, is good for you but, be sure that “letting go” is filing away the moment for another time because not all our “moments” are meant to be thrown out like the baby with the bath water. My advice to you is to use the process of sifting through the moments before we just let them go. As time moves forward in our lives we will find ourselves sifting our souls in the waters of healing looking for the gems that are hidden.

Have you ever bought a puzzle and put it together only to find that at the end you realize there are missing pieces? What a frustrating feeling to find out you spent so much time to create something only to find out you can not finish it. So it is good to understand the power and significance of those words that are so easily and often thrown out there like some kind of religious mantra of freedom, ” let it go!” Be careful not to fall into that trap.

So many of us find ourselves going through our days feeling like something is missing, always looking to fill a void we cannot see. It is at these times we need to sit down, reflect on our lives and reevaluate what we have ” let go”. There come times we can only find the missing in those pieces. We were not ready to learn or understand at that time but, we may find ourselves now prepared to retrieve those, sift through and replace the piece of our life correctly.

You may sense you are in this place and feel like you are experiencing an inner transformation which requires you to initiate your own personal soul retrieval. It is time for you in your spiritual journey to bring healing, understanding and peace to your soul about certain events in your life. What is extraordinary is that we can go back and regather these pieces for our souls healing. Although, time comes and goes throughout our lives not changing what is being held within or without our soul. Time is not a friend or foe, time is only the timeline of your story.

Are your ready to grab your pan, step into the healing waters of your soul and begin sifting out the gems ( those beautiful pieces of who you are). Isn’t it time to see your story?


See Me?

See me? Look longer: at me and focus on the all the details.

I have so many jagged edges, scars, bruises, rips and tattered holes in this frame of my being. Where do you think these wounds came from?

I did not choose to take the easy way, the pretty path, or the well trodden road.

See me?

Was I afraid? I cannot even express the fear that I have had to battle. This journey requires one to learn to walk with fear realizing that fear is the ” natural” state of the unknown. Greatness is not measured by natural standards but, it is measured by a standard of one choosing to fail, to be afraid, to lose, to make mistakes and still move forward in spite of the risks or ridicule. Greatness does not give up, expect the easy way out and has forgotten how to turn around.

See me? My clothes are torn and dirty – my dusty feet are hard and tough from this long journey. I am weathered by all the trials and I walk with a limp from my all night wrestling with a God I cannot see.

See me? If you have eyes to see -Look closely I am not the person I use to be or who you once knew. What a chameleon I have become allowing myself to appear in many ways and with so many colors. I choose how I will reveal myself to you.

See me? Don’t be afraid of me or my appearance look past the illusion to see if you have eyes to see. Disregard me if you choose, envy me if you are blind or despise me if you don’t want to believe the truth.

See me? If you can, how does it feel to know that you have not traveled alone on this journey?

Hold my hand and let’s go places where we become unraveled and then woven together as one. Then you will not see me nor you, but a new creature that has been changed from the caterpillar to the beautiful butterfly.


Why me? The Power of Grief!

Grief comes to everyone in many forms, there are no exceptions to this rule. Grief teaches that the piercing arrows of tears can plunge deep within without warning . Grief takes us beyond the sentimental tear of the heart to the dark bottomless place in our soul where tears seem to continually fall silently. As humans, we are brought into this world with the first sounds of our crying and when we leave this world it will be the last sounds we understand. As we get older, we run into grief unexpectedly it is not taught to us and we must find our own way through this darkness. Grief does not come with a set of instructions and many times without a warning sign. Everyone’s experience with grief is unique and personal it is the one thing that we can share but, not give away. Grief is not something we can outgrow with age or overcome by learning a set of principles or even methods. Grief has a specific purpose it clarifies our vision and redefines what is important to us. It causes our soul to bleed, our hearts to break which allows us become tender ground again in order to replant seeds of faith and awaken our soul to realize that life is unpredictable. We may plan our lives out and accomplish many things but, grief is the intruder that comes without invitation that disrupts our plans. Unfortunately, grief is inevitable and everyone is going to experience grief many times throughout their lives.

How we react to grief when it comes into our lives will lead us to become wiser if we choose to embrace our grief as a teacher of mourning, loss and pain or we may pivot to the other end of the scale where grief makes us cynical, cold blooded and hard hearted then we push grief aside, turn ourselves away and avoid it’s pain at all costs. When grief arrives the choice will eventually come to each of us and we will have to decide which fork in the road we will take.

If we choose not to embrace our grief then we risk our ability to feel life fully and genuinely. This leads us to contract and suppress who we really are binding our soul’s voice and eyes leaving us lost. Many who have taken this path have found themselves shipwrecked on the rocks of their faith and have lost their ability to love. Eventually, this journey will affect their lives on every level, even affecting their health and costing them painful experiences in the relationships they have with others close to them. In order to live our lives fully and balanced we must learn to embrace grief as our teacher, accepting the beautiful with the ugly, the storms with the rainbows, the dark with the light and piercing pain with happy pleasures of joy.

It is at these dark moments in our lives when grief strikes like lightning bringing chaos unexpectedly that we begin to see and feel with defined clarity and raw emotion the frailty of life, the unknown factors that can change our plans at any moment, and the value of what is truly important to us allowing the chaff of the unimportant blow away in the wind. Grief is the Divine pruning tool that reveals to us what is special and important to us. It opens our eyes to give us the chance to change our attitudes about life, deepen the paths to our soul, love more intensely, speak more honestly, give more freely, and learn to appreciate what we have been given showing sincere gratitude in return.

Grief opens our heart to others feeling compassion for them, shedding our self absorbed mentality. We begin to start a shift within that we are not just here to live for ourselves but, for others as well. Going through the storm of grief we will begin to see the sun in the distance and gain an awareness that so much of what we thought was “ours” is temporal, continually changing and we begin to focus on the spiritual connections of our lives. Grief is deeply woven and multi faceted , it’s intensity can be a mirrored magnifying glass that will reveal to us what could take decades for us to see allowing us to grow while giving us new vision through our struggle and pain. It is through this powerful magnifying glass of the soul that what was out of focus is brought into full distinct view and we find ourselves facing the mysterious writing on the walls of our heart with Divine interpretation.

As odd as it may seem grief is a sorrowful gift, odd in it’s appearance, cloaked in sadness and as brutal as it may feel it grants us the ability and gifts necessary to fulfill our destiny while defining our truth, intentions and understanding that regret unlike mistakes in life cannot be changed. Although, grief can be extremely painful and unfair grief is not an enemy in fact, grief is apart of life without any distinctions. This is not to be mistaken that grief is a game of odd’s or Divine roulette as though, God and the Universe were throwing darts at us. There are reasons for everything that happen or there are no reasons and nothing makes sense. When in the worst of circumstances we despise those sickening words that others say to us even if they maybe true and well meant, still no one wants to hear in their dark hour, ” There is a reason for everything” or ” Be positive and concentrate on the good”.

If we surrender to the pain and embrace our grief we most likely will find ourselves crying our souls dry leaving us paralyzed, numb and feeling empty. As difficult as this may be it is not a bad thing , tears hold great power as medicine for the soul. Our tears have the ability to wash the windows of the heart when we have lost our vision. If we can find the inner strength through our trust in the Divine, we may still not find all the answers to our questions but, we will sooner or later absolutely find the purpose of our grief. We can learn how to take the dark ugly coal that we have had to dig through much blood, sweat and tears, perplexed with questions and unearth from our soul from the coal of pain diamonds of wisdom that hold within them the power of resurrection.

Gaining the understanding that when grief comes, like all things ” this too shall pass’, branding us with tender scars but, not without giving us the gift of a deeper faith. It is our faith in God in the middle of the uncontrollable events of life that becomes the rock that we hold onto. It is a extremely conflicting moment within when we come to the valley of decision to trust God when you feel betrayed, wounded, confused or even feel abandoned. Although, I have a ” religious” background I speak now from the “spiritual experience” I have had to face in my life that we all must come to the valley of our decision.

We are all spiritual eternal beings having a human temporary experience that we call life. I find comfort through those who have gone before us that have endured unsurmountable hardships and yet, have conquered against all odds accomplishing great things. One person who I look to is Jesus who used His life to accomplish a Divine destiny and to free those from the delusions of religious hypocrisy. Jesus was just a man, although He was the son of God in flesh, as it is written in the Bible He lived His life on the Earth just the same as you and I, He was born into this world as we were and He died just like we all will. Jesus knew He was born with a Divine destiny and purpose just as each of us are as well, which did not save him from experiencing deeply moving moments of grief, betrayal, confusion and pain. Let’s think about this for a moment, lets take away the “religious” super hero and look at Jesus, the man. Jesus was a man and yet, in all respects He was the Christ according to the Bible and Jesus was not spared grief to the point of being so confused that it would lead him to feel lost and doubt, crying and sweating blood in the darkest moments of His destiny. Here is a spiritual leader of His time and He was beat, spit on, brutalized, and carried His cross down the streets of Jerusalem just like any ordinary man. This human man had to drag the instrument of his own death which spiritually held all mankind’s grief that was written by the unseen hand of God.

As Jesus hung on that cross He experienced grief, doubt and even felt abandoned experiencing that moment that was all this pain worthy and was He mistaken about His own destiny. So many of us have experienced those moments in our lives where we all find ourselves in our deepest, darkest and distressful dark night of the soul sensing we are alone. The confusion we feel after we have given, prayed, trusted God, had faith and followed all the ” rules” when we are faced with grief lead us to a deeper understanding that faith and trust are very different in definition. I look at Jesus and his life because He is a factual person and the events of His life are verifiable. As Jesus hung on the cross He spoke very little, He insured that His mother was cared for, He cried out in front of his accusers and believers the question that expressed his great doubt in greatest moment of grief that He felt He was abandoned by His Heavenly Father God, and finally at the end withHis last breath Jesus held fast to His Divine purpose and vision by saying, ” Father forgive them for they know not what they do”.

Even Jesus this man had to see through his pain, sorrow, confusion and embrace His pain to trust God that the ordinary was powerful enough to become extraordinary and regain His vision and purpose for this undefinable grief. Studying even this most powerful life that performed such great acts of faith, still even at that moment of grief had to embrace his cross, pain and grief to regain a deeper and greater vision.

All of us have a Divine destiny and purpose, even Judas, we all have a part in this story we call life. Embracing our grief gives us the opportunity to see that there is a Divine purpose to life. We must learn to trust the plan of the Divine to see through the pain of our grief and take the hand of God as we walk through the valley where we will begin to see the lily’s along the way. It is a huge spiritual step of progress to realize that faith is not trust and surrender to God’s plans for our life even when it appears to us and feels as though we are being destroyed accepting that there is a purpose for everything.

When we begin to realize that in life we are given spiritual teachers that each one has a purpose to teach us something only it can and giving to us the gift only it carries. These teachers are not the ones with degrees hanging on their walls, or spiritual gurus or mentors which we all need spiritual support throughout our lives. These Divine teachers of grief, sorrow, forgiveness, brokenness, loss and joy, peace, love, faith and trust are all sent to us many times throughout our life. Our attitude is to be willing to embrace the teacher and learn the lesson which always leaves a gift. This is true spiritual growth and all the books, classes or studies one can do could never teach the soul these lessons. One may teach the mind but, it is the soul where we wrestle with God that we find true spiritual growth and wisdom.

So whatever you maybe facing today we must remember that the embracing the pain and accepting our grief teaches us to trust God. As Job aid, ” Though He slay me I will still love Him”, this is the ground that is tilled by our steadfast trust and tilled with our tears that will bring us spiritual wisdom and peace. As Job was blessed so we will be if we hold fast and remembering that ” This too shall pass and we will smile again”. @sks2018



In the beginning our vision is blind to an alternative vision that exists everywhere. All creation whether things of order and disorder are not only synced above but also below teaching far beyond all our ideas, beliefs and reasonings. Behind the veil of our fragile reality and perception is the ability to change what exists if we are willing to let go and free ourselves from what we think, what we have been taught and what we have known. Using the natural states of reality to understand that which is beyond our minds ability to interpret what is not known causes our mind and body great conflict and creates disagreement ending in separateness. This confusion blinds my intuition causing the power of synchronicity and Divine appointments that have become lost through my confusion. The weakening of the spirit causes us to feed and strengthen our wills and egos to separate ourselves from the Divine connectiveness that resides within.
Bringing us back to the beginning of all that is black and white the ultimate separation of life… Day and night / light and dark. We wait for for the colors of truth to be revealed and an eternal reality to unblind us from our infantile vision, beliefs, reasonings, and ideas of truth. Looking through the colors of the Infinite connection of Life we begin to see through our consciousness that we must let go and fall into a living, infinite, supernatural ocean of possibilities. It is in that state of being and acute awareness that we can imagine a a new reality that exists without natural reasoning or laws. Only through great resolve do we let go and lose ourselves to see with Infinite eyes of possibilities. Resist the fear of the unknown! Calling on the power of our wills to overcome our insecurity to urge us to cross the lines of the acceptable reality of blind futility into the unacceptable mystery. To fall through the power of our struggle to the unknown in search of truth and the connection that frees us from the illusion that exists within the lines of life and death. We must choose and embrace the desire and the overwhelming magnetic pull of the Universe. To move into the resonating rhythm and energy of all that is connected to lose myself in the invisible Source of One. Mourning the loss of my self … My ego … My one ness…. Only through the emotions of a carnal reality that never existed. To step aside and watch as the funeral procession passes by and carry away and all that I was or who I use to be. In this dying shadow I am reborn to an awareness, a consciousness that inspires me to fathom with an unending understanding of knowledge where there is no answer to the question but a Source of power that resonates through me in my connectedness giving clarity to my path. My vision changes and all that was ugly, indifferent and undesirable becomes beautiful and I am free to an endless flow of energy to become one with the Helix of Life constantly spiraling creating the metamorphosis of the Divine within. Although lost and connected I experience the unshakable power of the Universe inside and out transforming me. I embrace my connection with complete trust seeking for that which is unknown and taboo throwing my will to the wind of this Divine Power of Infinite connectedness in hope I will travel beyond where mortal feet have not traveled or minds have not wandered. An explorer of a spiral of Energy that continues into a vast space without time. Addicted to the connection I fall into a infinite lunacy of truth without human reason but amazing possibilities …

























Spiritual Metamorphosis


The pain we feel inside our souls or minds which are connected in complexity to millions of the unseen emotions, ideas and desires of our heart like vessels.  This deep pain creates and becomes an inner conflict and a resistance to that which we are experiencing without ourselves ( on the outside).  Internal pain or conflict is created when we resist those circumstances we experience outside of our soul, body and our minds.  We may resist those situations or persons for many reasons; it could be confusion, anger, our unforgiveness and loss of faith.  There are myriads of reasons that could create such a deep inner turmoil inside a soul that would cause it to become so conflicted it begins to lose its faith or eyes to see with.  Our souls were created to have vision and feel to create and be that part of ourselves that paints our lives.  Once one feels so conflicted within they find their soul’s vision has become darkened like a very dirty window it makes them feel lost or without any special reason.  They long to see out but, alas! The harder they look the more conflict arises within.  So what is one to do?

What is the world made of? Is it just particles, molecules, atoms and energy?  Are we here and then gone?  We could ask a million questions and still never be satisfied with the answers or no answers that may lay on the table before us. How do we understand all this?  Many of us just want to be happy! Is that too much to ask for? Unfortunately happiness does not come from the world or anything that it may give to us.  That is only a perception or an emotional feeling that passes again and again.  To find true happiness is only capable if we are to find peace.  How does one create peace within themselves? Some may find this not such a difficult task… while others who are confined to the prison of their inner conflicts cannot reach the climax of an idea of peace left to be only more miserable and confused. 

We long for someone to love and to have someone love us back in such a way that we may feel whole.  But in reality, this is not the truth.  No one can make you whole.  We are the only one who can create wholeness within each one of us.  To depend on anything outside of our being to give us wholeness will only leave us disillusioned as to what wholeness and love is.  Which leads me to ask…? Do we know what LOVE really is? Can we trust our own hearts to decipher this intense passion?  Many times it is an emotion, an infatuation or even a comfortable arrangement of ideas.  So many of us have found us ship wrecked on the rocks of love’s illusion.  We are born to believe that love is someone who cares for us, hears our cry, protects us from the monsters, who feeds us when we are hungry and holds us when we want.  We don’t think about will this person leave us or find someone else.  We are not concerned how much we must do or not do to keep that person with us.  So we are taught from the beginning that love is an unconditional feeling even though, we may learn there are rules or habits to life it does not affect love.

From the time we are born we begin to upload like a computer ideas, beliefs, thoughts and opinions which many are not even our own which after many years create who we are.  But the questions of truth are …. Is this that we really are?  Who we were created to be? Or is this just all the cookies and pages that have been uploaded from others websites… Have we built a website of who we are that doesn’t even look like us?  Who do we look like to God?  It is all about perspective how we see the world and everything around us.  If I took you to a very tall building and I asked you to stand outside and asked you what you could see what would you say?  Then if I walked you all around the building to each side? Then if I took you into the lobby? Or what about the 22nd floor looking out the window? Or just sitting in a chair? What if I took you to the top of that building what would you see?  Every answer to these questions I have presented would be different because of our perspective but they would all pertain to the same building.  If you were that building where are you? What do you see?  I have spent years alone trying to release myself from all the uploads of life and I have experienced every human emotion I think one could but, who is the real me? I am the one who is alone, the one who understands that I have come into this world alone and I will leave alone.  This is my path, my journey and the decisions I make affect my life the most either negatively or positively.  I don’t belong to anyone… I must possess my own soul and heart or I will lose the reflection that is needed to see without and within myself clearly.  I guess the fight is to find peace with this feeling of aloneness which at times I perceive as loneliness when I look at the illusion.  How do I find my wholeness in my oneness?  So many questions…. And yet still so many answers to find.  Like a spiritual explorer I set out to find new land, new places to experience seeking the answers that my soul searches for because I know they are there.  Don’t you wish we all had a light switch we could just switch over to peaceful oneness whenever we don’t want to feel the negative effects of life? I believe that our lives should have a purpose and not the purpose that was created by this world but the purpose we were born with.  I think it is of great importance that we recognize this purpose, this calling of our soul.  Otherwise we will always feel the conflict within.  Many of us have found our purpose but have not accepted it because the windows of our souls are so dirty that we have no idea what is outside.  So we carry on feeling like we are conflicted with that number one question of life “Why am I here?”   I have found there is two things that concern me deeply one… Is when I die if I have that moment of time to reflect on my life that I should be left asking – why I was here? Or to feel regret for the things I should have done or said.  These two things I have found to be incomprehensible.

Who are you? What is it that your soul reflects from this vast Universe that is alive and conducts itself accordingly, continually expanding?  Every star has its purpose, every piece of sand and every bird in the sky or the beast of the field.  Can we expand our minds to realize that to find oneness we must connect to everything?  It would seem that the greatest truths are such contradictions.  Even Jesus would say such contradictory comments an example would be when your poor your rich and when your rich your poor (obviously my version).  How do we break the chains of these conflicts and fly and realize the magnificence of life as an ever moving and changing power like a mighty river of energy.  Who would not want to jump into such a wonderful river? Yet it has been said by sages we are but a drop of water in a large ocean connected without an outline of ending or beginning. 

This spiritual metamorphosis of mind, soul and body to be born into a world small and seemingly insignificant to find ourselves alone in the midst of millions to the point we are faced with such inner conflict that we struggle to break free from this loneliness. Oh just to be a caterpillar again? Humorous!  Not understanding that this internal intense struggle within to what we have been surrounded with is that which creates the metamorphosis and brings forth the wings we attain to fly and see our world from a completely different perspective and experience this new life as the same soul but not as the same creature.  It is time for many of us to make this transition of spiritual metamorphosis, haven’t you felt the internal struggle the intense conflict, the aloneness, loneliness at times?  Realizing that this is not all there is and willing to delete the uploads and begin with the reflection that is left on the monitor of our souls.  Angels wish to have wings as beautiful as ours…. They can see us and wonder why we are so blind to what they see.  Confused in such a way not to understand why someone who God gave such amazingly beautiful wings each different like our very own fingerprints and we still slither along in our world.  We must allow ourselves to play again, to think like children in some ways or we will never believe in butterfly wings.  We were not created just to slither along and live our lives and create our world on such common earthy erosions of illusions. Are you feeling stuck? That aloneness that I speak of is it constant?  Maybe it’s your time to wake up from what is “earthly” or “let go” of that cocoon of old ideas and beliefs to break free from it’s painful comfortability and see the ever expansive picture.  Surprise the angels and spread those wings and fly ~~~~~~~~~~~ reach for new places spiritually.  If you have ever noticed a butterfly flits along not even noticing if the breeze is blowing or not.  Just exploring one place and then flitting to another.  It your time to get out of the cocoon and fly!  Reach outside yourself and soon you will find yourself rising above the conflicts.  Fly butterfly…… fly!



“What takes precious time to make only takes seconds to break like the fluted glass that has fallen – it reflects the pieces of its resignation”




My heart is broken beyond repair. Like a fine crystal glass that has fallen onto the floor into so many tiny pieces that reflect and bear witness it was once there and was held and full of joy.

To not feel a gentle soft touch
a kindness that sinks no deeper than a smile or a word.
To forget the touch that is so slow, soft and being held ever so tenderly
to be cared for with the deepest of compassion. To feel the joy of intense sharing the oneness that only two may share. To laugh and laugh with…. to be adored …to be admired
to be liked… and thought of and treated with the sincerest respect. To know that there is one who holds you deep within and writes your name on the walls of their heart. To matter to the utmost and to be shown in the quiet gentle movements and moments that take your breath away or make you wish time did not exist. To look into the eyes of another and see yourself blooming Like the rose or to see your soul dancing among the lilies … To lay your head down against someone’s heart and believe that in every beat is the mention of your name. To believe in and be believed in with total validation, honesty and truth. To have light and breathe in the light of another and know there is no darkness, no hidden secrets to find or harmful thoughts to injure. To be told and believe that you’re the reason for their joy, peace and love … That everyday your smile makes someone feel loved and alive… the magical power of a simple smile. I wanted to know what love was and you showed me love in its season of glorious colors. But the colors are fading into the gray. I am lucky to have had at least that moment when one can say I have known all this at least even for a season in their lifetime is more than most could ever know. To have walked through the park where dreams and promises unfold. I walk away now inside I resign from the fallen position that has broken my spirit and my heart. I leave this empty space where ghosts only live and only cause one to look back in sorrow and painful dismay. I understand what it is now to be alone inside and out…. To be unnoticed or held in contempt for who I am and who I am not. To be seethed as the liar, the cheat and the thief. To have my crown of pearls, diamonds and gold taken from me and pushed down off from this beautiful pedestal of love that I held precious and so dear. I have fallen so far and it is a perpetual momentum that becomes this sad slow torture as I see what I use to have and what was of this person I have now become. I am gone! I have become like the ghosts… Those who so many times have tortured me because they too once had souls that were not broken. Farewell to love, farewell to myself… Farewell to you… my love. Winter has come and the winds have blown the ashes of my soul away in their bitter cold hands. My dreams have become like the leaves on the trees one by one they are gone each one dying. The sun has hidden its face and snow has covered my footprints as though I never was in this park of dreams. But in the distance a red bird sings hoping for spring again for you and for me. Because one cannot resign hope without breath. The season has changed it is the way of life nothing lasts… But under the winter snow you will find new footprints and the trees will clap their hands once again… The sun will smile and the loyal red bird will still sing.

“For your eyes have seen my unshaped flesh”

Pg. 27 Zohar


The Reflections of the Shadow


I am alone in the cruelest of ways…. What lesson is this? This lesson has not been taught to my soul in some cold classroom in which I am quietly disconnected. There are no degrees hanging on the walls of my heart declaring intelligent assumption. No! This lesson finds its degree in heat of passion to believe that there is a place that exists where the genuine flames of love burn and that a purified peace can be apprehended. It is in the trail of tears that contain the memories of my life and reflection of the hope of my future that I have emptied myself of those ideas that exist without me. Relentless shredding of my heart has left scars that sing in a language that I cannot interpret in the shadow. It is pain that is the teacher of truth and it is not discovered among the daisies of the field but, it is revealed in the dark blindness of whom we are and who we are not. It is what I think that I need that I cannot attain and the more I want it the more it eludes me. So the wanting and needing are the hands that continually knead these inner conflicts within my soul. Those who pursued me have seen their shadow and upon the capture of my soul find that it was just a reflection of what they had lost. One may find their reflection in the mirrors that hang on my walls but, the mirror is mine. There are no winners, nor losers in this game of seductive delusion of perfection it is only those who understand the power of inner truce that transforms the darkness.



What is it that we need to be happy with our lives? There are quite few things that many are looking for such as happiness, peace and love. But, what will make us truly happy? Some have love and are searching for peace, while others may feel peace but are looking for love. Then there are those you seek freedom which is in a class all by itself. To be “ free ” some think it is not be in a relationship. While there are those who the idea that freedom is a state of open mindedness. The whole relentless search of what generates what we think will make us happy eventually becomes the driving purpose of our life. How does someone find happiness, if they are constantly searching for what makes them happy? It reminds you of either what came first the chicken or the egg or equivalent to watching a cat chase its tail. It would seem that once one thing we think will make us happy is attained we only discover that we must have something different, something more or less. It is the cat and mouse game of life in pursuit of these ideas that are going to make us “happy”.
In actuality, what we are all looking for in life is just “the lack of trouble” as much as possibly can be acquired or not acquired as the case may be. The avoidance of pain, stress, sorrow and illness these are just a few of those things that we are all looking to avoid at all costs, if possible. So is the “lack of, or avoidance of “trouble” in actuality peace and happiness? The whole idea of this relentless chase can become a balancing act that consumes our focus like attempting to walk a tight rope balancing a ball on the end of our nose at the same time.
When I talk to others or listen to conversations through my bad habit of eaves dropping, I hear many things about what would make their lives better “if only” and “why not’s”? But in truth, the idea is “I want to be free”. What do think or feel makes you “free”? Is it the lack of trouble, sorrow, stress and pain in our lives? The perplexity of what we think we want and what we really need to achieve to obtain “happiness” or “freedom” appears to be the elusive mystery of the ages. Many times in our lives we will experience moments or a period of time that we actually “feel” happy and then we wake up one day and it has disappeared. Then begins or descending journey from the mountain top of the ever elusive moments of “happy” and into the valley of our relentless chase again.
I wonder if the whole idea of “happiness” is what makes us unhappy? Is it the same as saying to an apple, you will be happy once you have become an orange? Always wanting what we think we need to be happy only to find if or when we achieve “it” that “it” isn’t what we thought “it” was? The unending perplexity and the confusion that this state of being creates such disharmony in our minds that we find ourselves depressed just over the whole idea of “happiness”. How ironic and savage these thoughts can become that they mentally kidnap us and imprison us into actually believing that we know what we must have.
Which brings me back to “freedom”, to be free from the elusive idea of obtaining happiness or the relenting chase that leads from one destination to another like an emotional nomad seeking those “moments” of bliss? What I hear under all the “If only, why not’s? and I wish”, is I want to be FREE! Free from the whole chase, the game and this balancing act on the tight rope.
Freedom is a perplexing thought and when we actually take time to think about “freedom” we could make a list of “things” we think will make us free. But in actuality, freedom is far from what we think it is and maybe that is why so many of us never find it. We are taught that freedom is to live our lives without the restraining obligations of certain things. But, when you look into that crystal ball, some of those restraining obligations are what you think we need to be happy. So we find ourselves climbing deeper into the rabbit hole in search of happiness.
What is freedom? What if we let go of our ideas and rooted beliefs of what the definition of freedom that has been taught to us by others philosophies. What would freedom look like then? What would it feel like? We have been taught since childhood that we are should always moving toward some destination or goal. It’s time to get up, it’s time to eat and it’s time to go to bed. It is always “time” to do something and once we do that particular “thing” then it is time to do another. This is how our minds work on a constant basis; we will even stay awake at night not being able to sleep because we are “thinking” about what we need to do when it’s not even “time” to do it. Making a long list of “to do’s” in our heads making sure every “i” is dotted and every “t” is crossed.
Freedom is not a destination. Freedom doesn’t have a place to be at any given time in fact, freedom doesn’t own a watch. Freedom doesn’t have an origin, or a place it has come from or a destination, any particular place it is going to. Freedom is not obtained like a trophy that one puts on a shelf or money that is deposited into one’s bank account. I have seen homeless people who have more freedom than those who have massive bank accounts. Money can be a great tool but, a terrible taskmaster. In fact, most of the time money brings more obligations which only imprison us and take us further away from freedom. That is certainly not the way to discover freedom by obtaining more obligations. Freedom can be wealthy or common it doesn’t really care what kind of car it drives or clothes it wears. There are those that experience “life” in a state of feeling “lost” and don’t even realize that misguided feeling could actually be freedom in disguise. We search for destinations and we thrive on obligations they appear to feed or inward ego and deep sense of feeling that we “belong”. So feeling lost could be just the feeling that we don’t have a destination, any heavy obligations or belonging to any particular thing or person. But wait a minute! Is that what freedom IS, makes one wonder!…. Alas! Another riddle ….. Another rabbit hole and an illusion or disillusion of the mind once again. Is freedom just the simple idea of having “no debt”? To not owe anything to anyone? Will that make us “free”? Well, having “no debt” might very free us from certain obligations but, it will not release from the responsibility of “things”.
So after all that…. We get to add into the mix “responsibility”! So is freedom the ability to not have any obligations or responsibilities to anyone or anything? That could actually be what many experience as “loneliness and lost”. I hope by now after reading this you are starting to get the idea that this is a wild goose chase and is going nowhere at all. (lmaorotf)!
Freedom…………….. to be free! Free is an unusual state of being of the mind and heart. In many ways it has the characteristics of “ looking” lost but, is far from it. We can always tell when we are in the presence of someone who is “free” because there is an air of timelessness about their words and their movements of their body are soft and graceful. When we converse with them we sense that they are “old souls” yet, they are a breath of fresh air on every level. They attract those who are longing for freedom and repel those who seek deep obligation. There is a wisdom that gleams from their eyes and their presence can be compared to an invisible light of energy that permeates around them. This charisma that surrounds these free souls can be felt, seen and heard even after they have left the room. If fact, when they walk into a room they may not attract any attention whatsoever but, when they leave the room it is quite evident that something has changed. To be free is to not “want or “ need ” but, to accept and surrender. To give and not to take is the morality of freedom and those who experience it understand and have to come to the realization that everything is and happens for a reason. What a probable solution to the elusive confusion we experience in our lives and emancipation of all our complaints.
I have come to the place in my life where I realize that this uncomfortable feeling that I get when I don’t feel in control or I may feel helpless is actually “ me” trying to find more obligation. It appears that many of us have been so ingrained with the idea that if we have control on some level that we can be free from “ something ” or “ someone”. We want to “ want ” things or people or think we need to “ need” things or people to make us happy, secure or create our sense of belonging. These destinations of the mind that we have accumulated are very hard to give up. It is so apart of our being that to give up the strong desire of destination, just the actual thought can create fear and loss in one’s mind. We want to “ belong” but at the same time we want to be “free”. What an ironic dichotomy of thinking!
This sense of “ belonging” is something we begin to learn from the day we are born and evolves into a child that grabs his toy from their sibling and yells “MINE”! To belong is to have “MINE” – a state of inner ownership and the show of outward belongings. They say he who dies with the most toys win, what a perfect way to describe “MINE”, but they don’t say he who dies with the most toys is the most happy or the one who wins will be free. The ridiculous idea that anything we think we own here in this life is actually ours is the greatest delusion at its finest. We came here naked and we leave here naked – just for the record! What we may think is “ ours ” is only what we may borrow for a period of time even if we “own” it. Ahhhh! Now there is a freedom idea…. Borrowing? Well that just goes against all the rules of what we are taught that will makes us happy and free. We must “own”, we must “have” if we want to be free from debt. Life is a debt collector and at the moment we take our last breath it will come and collect all that you thought you “owned”.
One would get the feeling that we are born, raised and taught how to be prisoners to just about everything. A prisoner to people, things, money and time and the list grows on and on. Then half way through this thing we call “life” some of us actually open our eyes from the hypnotic state of materialistic sleep and gain the realization that everything acquired must be unshackled from them if they want to be free. What a beautiful thought we are born free and to actually die free. Now there is a whole new idea to a purposeful life.
Being free is not connected to having “things” nor is it apart of the illusion to our deception that “things” have us. What a concept to come to the awakening that we can enjoy everything, as long as we enjoy it without entitlement. To live our lives understanding that everything has a purpose and that our inward drives for destination doesn’t shackle our minds. To accept and live constantly in the attitude of acceptance and to surrender to life’s moments whether they may be good, bad or indifferent. To have faith in “freedom” and believe that it actually exists and can be experienced, if we are willing. The road to freedom is not paved with all those rooted beliefs that were taught to us from those who were taught by others that if we follow these golden rules we will become successful and free. The road to true freedom is not paved with gold it is paved with peace, love and forgiveness. I have read myriads of books and have heard many ideas of how you can find “happiness” but, actually you can’t find HAPPINESS…. Happiness is something that happens to you when you are free. Are you ready to be free? Or maybe the question we must truly ask ourselves is, are we “willing” to be free?
Are we willing to unshackle our minds and “let go” of those ideas of what we though freedom was The road to freedom is not paved with gold, but with stones of inward discovery? It is not an easy task, or an easy road…. If it was then there would not be so many unhappy people imprisoned to the chains of desire that keep them chasing everyday what they cannot keep. It is equivalent to holding water in ones hand. Free your mind from all those things that you believe you must have to be free! So many of them feel so good and provide many mental and physical comforts. But, that is the shallow end of the pool when it comes to what we are looking for. Being free actually removes the pain of so many disappointments and expectations from ourselves and others. So I pose the question again…. Are you ready? If you ask to be emancipated from your imprisoned thinking of what you are now and what you must have to be free, what will happen? Who will you become? Maybe you have reached a crossroads in your journey and it is time to contemplate which direction to take…. The road to freedom will not be lined with money trees and lined with walls of wealth. I am not saying you will not receive these things , WHAT I AM saying is that your focus will change because you are awakened to the truth that happiness and freedom are the same. So I ask again… ARE YOU READY?

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