Sometimes …..

Sometimes I find myself sitting in the shallows

Not really engaging in anything

My mind is a blank

My heart is numb

My vision obscured

It’s not really enjoyable because I sense the absence of myself

Dwelling on some deep internal thought

The shallows can be quite a lonely place

There are many who I sit among who are doing the same

but, I don’t really communicate with them

Isolated

Sometimes I find myself at the breaking point

With my body entangled in the scratchy seaweed

The waves keep coming relentlessly

Crashing over me

Knocking me down

Twisting and turning

Trying to find the ground

No rest for me here

I try to swim against the rage to reach the place where it is smooth and calm

Where I can see

I cannot push myself against the crashing waves

One after the other

They keep coming

Some find this recklessness challenging

Sometimes

I find myself in the deep

The deep dark waters where No bottom can be touched

No bottom can be seen

Dark waters

The sea is smooth and calm

But underneath these still waters

I find myself swimming

Swimming

Swimming

It is a peace that requires much exertion

At first it seems enjoyable but, then I find myself tired and lonely

There are not too many close to me here

In fact, I see no one at all

I hear them in the distance calling

I feel the swelling power of the water all around me

It lifts me up and down

But, I am still swimming

Running through these waters

I am weary of this

Where do I go ?

What am I doing here?

Who told me I had to do any of this?

Finally,

I get the courage amidst my weakened state to swim back to the shallows were I was numb

I watch the water swell behind me and I lunge forward into the breaking point

The waves crashing pushing me forward while I tumble every way

Face in the sand

Can’t see above me

I keep swimming

Until I finally reach the shallows

Quiet

Quietly I sit

Trying to gather myself together

Stinging eyes

Scrapped knees

Salty mouth

It occurs to me

I am no longer numb

I can still feel the plunging

The twisting

The turning

I can still see the seaweed tangled in my hair

Sand in my mouth

Is this the story?

Is this how it goes?

What was it that brought me here?

What was I thinking?

I start over ……..