Monthly Archives: April 2022


Life is one big experiment, one learning curve to another, one mistake after another, revelation leading to another, being broken to be repaired, getting lost then being found, shedding and deaths only to being transformed and rebirth. Mostexperiences transform into branded memories in our mind that replay repeatedly without permission, while other memories are lost somewhere into a sea of forgetfulness.

Most of us wake up in this lucid dream years later under the “big top”, of unpredictability seeking for     “ things” that we believe will lead us back to home.  Like unconscious nomads we will sooner or later find ourselves wandering in this wonderous unmapped terrain without a clue why we are here and what is the meaning of our life. Trying to connect the dots and make logical sense to our journey, in hope that we can find our truth and story. We come crying into this bright light of life as seekers learning who we are by being taught to “be acceptable” and then we learn who others are in our relationships that who project their ideas that are nothing more than their faults, confusion, brokenness, wisdom, and truth ( not ours ) onto us.  These are our teachers of life and now looking back at them we can see clearly we have attained their essence, ( not ours ).

When we were children we would run, play and pretend until one day we “ grow up “, and don’t even realize we have lost ourmagic and mystical imagination in a dark fog that lays beyond the shores of our innocent laughter and “ make believe “ yet, the echoes ache in or hearts.  As we “ grow up ”, meaning we physically get older and lose those powers that enforce the true essence of our being.  Now we long for what we do not have and have so much of what we do not want.  We surrender our imaginative seekings for constant desperate longings, striving more each day to reach some invisible pinnacle of achievementseeking accolades, acceptance and security.  Each time we conquer a test or trial we grip tightly all our trophies that we have won through our hard work and sacrifice. Not having the life experience to see that the faster we run the less time we have.  The ultimate conquest and final notice is we all will arrive at the same destination sooner or later. The more we travel on the path of life, the more we realize that work is endless plowing of the field and sacrifice is many times a wound that never heals.Bleeding out at times to the point that we grapple of struggling to find the strength to get up and start again.  So many, “ doovers “, like children when we learned that we could always begin again without consequences but, now our “ do overs “ cost us time, tears, loved ones, relationships, money, dreams and even home”.  All the things we believed as children have become faded, distorted, stolen and untrue departing from our thoughts as nothing more than fairy tales. Time passes by and we find ourselves in a place that we are not familiar with,surrounded by those we don’t know anymore. Our life and soulcracks open if we are fortunate, to reveal that everything we thought we were is but, a white washed shell of others ideas, desires, beliefs and faults.

Infamous is the day that we are shattered into so many pieces that our unrecognizable soul lays prostrate in the burning ashes and slivered chards of what is left of what we were.  Birth is beautifully painful and yet, death bites us without warning striking its venomous poison deep rotting us from the  inside outleaving us alone. As time passes our these fragile finite bodies collect the beautiful, loving, truth, happy, sad, ugly, broken and empty ingredients for our life recipe.   Little do we know that one day we will be seated at the table that we have built and find ourselves eating the very meal we have created by ourselves.

We find ourselves seeking for something familiar and we start to sense a strange, sweet pain that whispers to our soul.  Home becomes a deep secret that we keep protected in our hearts that can be triggered by the smells of baked cookies, crisp soft sheets, music, playmates, being held or not being held, sneaking outside, the visions of freedom unrestrained and living days of discovering the first times of our lives.

So many of us reach a point in our lives that we long for home, and as strange as that may sound because we have had many homes already in our life.  But, there is this place in our soul that calls to us, “ find home!”.  We search for a place to land from our weary travels and rest ourselves from the battles we have faced and loss we have incurred.  Seeking that sacred sanctuary where we can go to knowing that it is “ ours “, a dwelling that cannot be lost or taken one more time from us.  To not have to worry that home is not connected to who we are living with or that it can be even split apart.  Home!  Our home!  That place we can always go to that we belong to and belongs to us, and no onhas any rights to it, but us.  We can stay as long as we want and if we decide to leave it, we can lock the doors without any keys for others who can come and go as they please.  How beautiful is this place that we search for that we can go into and lock the doors and lock the world out, if we so choose.

What does your home look like?  If you could build this place of safety and refuge what colors would you use? How would youdecorate this special place and if there were no restraints financially or provisionally what would you build?   Now I can feel my imagination stirring within me like a child who has been given their first box of crayons, so many colors and each one makes me feel a certain way.  Yes, I think I will color a house on the top of a beautiful green hill with a bright red front door, a large tree, a swing and deep green grass. A beautiful blue sky some white clouds, a big bright yellow sun with rays of orange shooting out and I think I will put a smiling face in it so that it I will remember to smile every time I see it. 

Many of us feel like we are prisoners to places that we live because, so we have many outside circumstances that control our lives.  We realize that we have created in this prison our position of being enslaved to our fear of loss.  There were times in our lives before that we can look back in our past that we stepped out, jumped ship, and took the risks to free ourselves from or prison.  Pain has the ability to push us to the edge whether it be the threshold or standing on a cliff awakening to the sound of crumbling ground behind our heels.  Like a bird that takes flight from being startled, we jump and pray that we fly or at least land in one piece.  Fear can only hold those who will not accept the truth about their soul’s true condition and see how depraved their lives have become living on the crumbs for so long that their pain and hunger creates a tormenting desperation that they can no longer live with.  How self-destructive to wake up every day to only realize you are living to just barely sustaining your life. Learning the skill of managing your life with a wounded soul, faded dreams, broken trust, unloyalty, and dealing with the deep emotionally physical damage, collecting medicinal bottles to ease your sicknesses, ailments or worse.  It is unfathomable how the soul will go to any lengths to survive and if the soul cannot accomplish this it,will employ our mind in order that we can maintain and disassociate from the parasitic tentacles that are draining us of our time, energy, health and hope.   

We each have our unique path, like our blueprint and we areindividually are in different places on our journey but, one thingfor sure we will all experience these feelings whether you may admit it or keep it as a deep secret. We are all human, although, I have met a few people that I have wondered about. The most loyal act you can do for yourself is to listen to your soul. So many of us drown out our truthful authentic souls voice for many reasons but, it is your soul that knows the truth and not just the truth but, your emancipating powerful truth. Maybe itstime to get quiet, find a sacred space and take the time to be loyal to yor soul. We spend so much of our lives and energy being loyal to our jobs, our family, our significant other and friends. Exhausting so much of ourselves to keep the peace or stay in the good graces of “ life “. All the time we are doing this very thing we find ourselves sad, miserable, discontent or very disconnected with a loss of inner peace. We will have moments in our lives that we will need to take an emotional, physical and spiritual inventory in order that we can bring balance back into our lives. This inventory may create chaos that will have to be faced courageously and other times it maybe just a little change that will bring equilibrium back. We have been trained to avoidsuffering at all costs, to skirt any pain if we can. In truth, it is pain and suffering that brings the truth and answers that we seek so many times. It is at those times we need to learn to sit down with our pain and ask what does this pain need? What is it saying to me? Maybe, your pain is the fear of loss? So much of our lives are built around the fear of loss, we will do so much to keep things intact. Many of those things we do will cost us and the price is very high but, hindsight is 20/20. Can you sit with your pain, suffering, loss, betrayal, confusion and anger long enough to have yours opened? It will take courage and I am not suggesting it will be easy but, I will tell you that it is the only way to find the truth about what you need to know to overcome these battles. It is not our light that we fear but, our darkness and we all have our dark caves that we must learn to excavate if we long to transform our pain into our power. It is our deep inner guru that awaits in the dark caves of truth calling to you, “ come home!”

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